Generation Y's Howard Beale (dk) wrote,
Generation Y's Howard Beale

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saw dad today.

he had a biopsy yesterday, so there's a titanium plate in his forehead now. his prognosis has been updated. somewhere between 9 months and 3 years- but no matter what, by the end of it, dementia will have taken over, so in effect i almost get to watch this happen twice; first my father will go and then his body will.

he's also losing his sight, which is how the tumor was discovered. he has a gunmetal grey C5 corvette convertible with a reworked Z06 engine (~415hp) in his garage, and he has to sell it because in a few weeks he won't be able to drive it anymore.

the tumor's inoperable. they'll be using chemotherapy, but no guarantees.

but since balance must remain, i got home from visiting him (and picking up a feeder mouse), paid off the rest of last month's rent to my roommate, and was told that he wants to switch my payment plan to in-arrears (pay for the month just completed, not the one ahead)- upshot of that is i basically get a break for a month and only have to worry about feeding myself and keeping gas in the S13 during july.

so i'm not so stressed about my immediate financial situation anymore, and i'm trying to use the freed-up mental resources to wrap my mind around this whole situation with my dad, but denial is a powerful thing.

i know this is happening, but some part of me just won't accept it. i'm trying to figure out how to hack my brain to finally get this, what thought i need to think to become as calm and accepting of the realities as he is, and i don't understand why i can't. i'm as aware of my own mortality as a person can be- i've willfully extinguished my own light, but i guess that's different because i was in control.

i don't know. i just feel nauseous. i guess i should eat something.

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