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Posted on 2003.07.01 at 18:51
Music: styles of beyond - winnetka exit
saw dad today.

he had a biopsy yesterday, so there's a titanium plate in his forehead now. his prognosis has been updated. somewhere between 9 months and 3 years- but no matter what, by the end of it, dementia will have taken over, so in effect i almost get to watch this happen twice; first my father will go and then his body will.

he's also losing his sight, which is how the tumor was discovered. he has a gunmetal grey C5 corvette convertible with a reworked Z06 engine (~415hp) in his garage, and he has to sell it because in a few weeks he won't be able to drive it anymore.

the tumor's inoperable. they'll be using chemotherapy, but no guarantees.

but since balance must remain, i got home from visiting him (and picking up a feeder mouse), paid off the rest of last month's rent to my roommate, and was told that he wants to switch my payment plan to in-arrears (pay for the month just completed, not the one ahead)- upshot of that is i basically get a break for a month and only have to worry about feeding myself and keeping gas in the S13 during july.

so i'm not so stressed about my immediate financial situation anymore, and i'm trying to use the freed-up mental resources to wrap my mind around this whole situation with my dad, but denial is a powerful thing.

i know this is happening, but some part of me just won't accept it. i'm trying to figure out how to hack my brain to finally get this, what thought i need to think to become as calm and accepting of the realities as he is, and i don't understand why i can't. i'm as aware of my own mortality as a person can be- i've willfully extinguished my own light, but i guess that's different because i was in control.

i don't know. i just feel nauseous. i guess i should eat something.


weedlover at 2003-07-01 18:59 (UTC) (Link)
I am so, so sorry.


I really am. I can't even imagine what you are going through--I almost think it was better that I didn't know my dad was going to die before it happened. Either way it sucks, though. :-/

If you need to talk, you know where I am.
betternewthings at 2003-07-01 19:10 (UTC) (Link)
Catch me on AIM - I'm in a similar situation :-(
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
skrape at 2003-07-01 20:40 (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry. I'll call soon.
decemberjuliet at 2003-07-02 02:41 (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry :(
innocentchild at 2003-07-02 08:38 (UTC) (Link)
If I contrast the situation with Amber's father and what's happening with your's I'd say you're very lucky Jason. You have time to make ammends, settle old differences, and say goodbye. That's the good that I see in this unfortunatate situation. Watching someone fall apart like that isn't fun. I've seen it twice now with one grandmother and a friend my senior year of high school. I used humor to mask the pain back then. Not sure that works for you in this situation.

You've got a lot of friends around (hell close by even now that you're in the bay again!) that you can turn to and talk to at any time. Oh and I'll be in your neighborhood this weekend. Supposedly you guys are doing something at the house on Friday so I'll be there.


:: r ::
alceria at 2003-07-03 23:49 (UTC) (Link)
Call me if you ever want to talk.
littering and???
antisanity at 2003-07-07 11:46 (UTC) (Link)
i know i'm late on reading this. i just got back from knoxville. i'm really sorry. i went through this same thing with my uncle a year and a half ago. it all happened so fast. he seemed so healthy one day and then suddenly the next, we found out he had a tumor. if you need to talk, email me and let me know when i can catch you online.

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