February 15th, 2002

newdefault

(no subject)

so yeah- that $200 (of the $1000 paycheck i was supposed to get on the first) is gone. we're not getting paid until tuesday. i'm now owed $1800 past due, can't pay rent, and i have now gone from "early" to "eating up the grace period" on my loan payment.

i *despise* being out of money. when i'm in a situation like this it occupies a good half of my available mental capacity at any given time. (this is why i didn't post yesterday; i opted for silence over whining- but apparently i need to whine.) i feel like there's something hanging over my head at any moment that i happen to be conscious- and self-awareness becomes more and more painful at times like this, which makes it much easier to just go back and hide in the haze again...

it almost seems like there's no point to even giving up; like it's too late to forfeit because i've already lost. i feel at a breaking point, like i'm going to lose it, only i don't know what i've left to lose. feels like sanity's fading fast and fuck that last match that goes out before you can light your cigarette, leaving you with a bare pice of cardboard and an unlit smoke.
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