February 5th, 2002


"is this a test? it has to be. otherwise i can't go on."

strange dreams last night.

don't remember all of them, it seems like what i'm remembering are two short "stories" from a continual long string of consciousness- parts i remember are:

-my roommate's brother got pissed at me for smoking the last of my weed w/ said roommate.

(not sure what the deal was w/ that, but apparently i irked some people the other night when i got a dust hit on a communal bowl, and another wasn't packed immediately, so i decided to take care of myself.

honestly- whatever- it's funny how in practice, everything you "share" doesn't always "come back" like theory says it should.

there's also the part where i'm not in the habit of taking the kind of hit that'll clear a mostly-full bowl like everyone else around here, and how i won't pass a dusty pipe to someone so they get a nice big lungful of carcinogenic ash.)

later in the dream, i was out and about with friends brandon and sophie and when they stepped away for a second, i was approached by a local radio station to win some kind of SUV in a radiohead-themed contest.

it was apparently a trick contest, because you were supposed to pick your favorite radiohead tracks from a list, and after selecting, i was told i'd lost, because all of the titles were names of country music singles. i couldn't help thinking i should have waited for the two friends to come back, because they're much bigger radiohead fans than i am.

after that, there was a short time where everyone at my house (and a few of the regular hang-outs) was sitting around a really ornate dinner setting in a large banquet hall. there was tension at the table, but i can't remember what about.

i think it'll always bother me how the clear and rethinkable memories of my dreams last no longer than my morning grogginess.

morning's introspection:
i've become a much more wary, untrusting, and guarded person in the past year.
i've finally developed the ability to truly hold a grudge, and retain hatred for someone where it seems like my good nature would have eroded the ire (read: i'd have let it go), or some remnant of a good feeling for the person would have cancelled it out, previously (given past examples).

am i responding inappropriately to the stimuli i'm being given, or just growing up?

"i'll bet you think this song is about you, don't you?"
  • Current Music
    a few different tracks.


"Say there's an explosion, right? And we're blown to smithereens, do body parts just fall out of the sky?"
"Courtney, please," Jennifer said, setting down her magazine. "Planes only crash when they take off and land, they don't blow up in midair."
"What about that one in Scotland with all the schoolgirls inside?"
"That was terrorism, that's different. There aren't any terrorists in the skies over Pennsylvania."

-excerpt from bongwater, michael hornburg, 1995

(no subject)

good fucking christ.

this just became a very bad night for me to be broke, out of weed, and without an id.


i don't understand.


yeah. yeah, i do. there are no other explanations for this. i'm just a fucking asshole.