it's now my brother's b-day. i *really* hope he hasn't found this journal anywhere in the history or cookies on my parents computer- but if he has, happy b-day, alex.
alex enters my mental space not only because it's his b-day, but because i finally went and blew that $50 hot topic gift certificate he gave me for xmas.
hot topic's become so... generic, and i guess the "party" fad is officially gone, because both the pairs of phat pants i bought were off the clearance rack...
not that that's a complaint; it's a happy thing, both in that i got two good pairs of pants for $12 each, and in that- well, the irony kills me here, but i think i've done more growing up as a result of partying than because of any other influence in my life (my career's mostly resulted in me being guarded, untrustful, and wary of anyone more than 10 years my senior);
so seeing it pass off of the trend radar but knowing it's still *there* (because there are still records to buy, and i still hear about good parties all the time that i don't go to *sigh*)- well, i guess more than anything it makes me feel that i haven't wasted all that time i've spent staring at faders and knobs. i suppose that's reassuring because i need to have *something* i've done not go up in smoke.
but who knows- maybe all the growing up i've done in the past 2 1/2 years just seems the most significant because it's the most recent.
not sure how i'm going to handle money situation very soon- i guess i'll know better once i get a check on tuesday. i'd really rather *not* skip a month on the loan payment seeing as i may be asking them for a loan on a residence sometime soon, but if there's scarcity, that's what's going to have to go, i guess.
trying to put aside thoughts of finances for the moment; had other difficult decisions to make as of late, but when is that not the case? trying to find a good state of mind, think i've got ahold of one. having tomorrow off probably helps with that, but tbh it's not like i'd go if i didn't really feel like it. what happened to that motivation thing? i suppose it went away when i stopped being challenged in ways i found interesting.
lately my challenges have been anything but exciting. dealing with near-poverty is far less than entertaining, and to borrow from foobiwan's adage just one more time, the ins^H^H^Hsmart/sexy ones are proving to be more draining than anything else.
had one of those moments (you know the ones- where you catch eyes and then glance away, and then eyes meet again when each of you is looking back over your shoulder at the other) when i went shopping earlier, but heh- somehow "met her at the mall" is just not something i'm looking for. seems like i should expect to find something maybe close to what i'm looking for about once every four years or so.
*grimaces, lights up another clove*
ok, i'm done.